Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
