I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
