maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
