Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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