Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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