I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
