You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
