My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
