opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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