I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you never un-have a 4some
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
