Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
