you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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