it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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