who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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