mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
