Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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