seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
