you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
