so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
