how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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