How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
