Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
