yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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