i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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