fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
