You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
