Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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