ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
