Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
