Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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