I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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