When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
