dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
