I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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