Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
