maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
