not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
