peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
