My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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