Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
