oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
