I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
