there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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