not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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