I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
