i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
