If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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