Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
