My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
