my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
