But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
