Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
